Breathing, Trust, and Letting Go....

At the beginning of March when I was checking in with my Dr. on my progress towards a healthier life, both mentally and physically, she suggested that I start going to Yoga. I'll admit I heard that with mixed emotions... I have so many friends who practice Yoga and LOVE it.... but it was not anything I thought I could ever do. So I looked up Yoga Studios in the area and found that there was a new one opening ten minutes from my house. After calling and talking to the manager, I decided to give it a try. So last Thursday, wearing my Yoga pants (which let's face it, have become my every day pants), I headed over for my first class.

When I entered the studio, this huge quote on the wall struck me. Not (just) because it was a large vinyl quote, but it is exactly what I need to do. I need to learn how to breathe. I need to learn how to trust more. I definitely need to learn how to let go. And I was about to see what would happen....

A friend gave me some great advice before class. She told me to only worry about what was happening on my mat. I tried to keep that in mind throughout class. I did the best I could to follow the instructions and didn't even look to see what anyone else was doing.  I was surprised at how simple the movements seemed in theory, but how much I was sweating while holding them. I can remember the teacher saying things like "this is working our inner shoulder blade" or "here we are stretching our inner hip" and thinking I have never even thought about those muscles before. One thing is for sure... the next morning I was thinking about them!! OUCH!

I tried 4 different types of classes last week on my own, and another with my children. The more I go the more I think I am figuring out which is right for me. I'm getting more comfortable with the terminology and understanding more each time. The hardest part is turning my mind off.... although I did find today that when we were mid class, I was working so hard I was definitely lost in the movement and not thinking about anything else. That's todays victory. We will see what the next week of classes brings.....

Learning to "Lick the Beaters"

My first week unemployed has been a humbling experience in so many ways... both personally and professionally.

It started as I was making a birthday cake for my sister. (Nothing fancy, but I was whipping my own whipped cream.) As I finished up, I clicked the "beaters" out of my hand mixer and called my girls to the kitchen, just like my Mom always did "Whooooooo wants to lick the beaters???"

I will admit that in that moment I had this feelings of "Ta-da!!!", "I'm so proud I did this!", and "Yay! This is what 'good moms' (like mine) do!" 

....Only my call to the kitchen was met by no one. So I repeated it. Louder of course. "WHOOOOO wants to lick the beaters??" My oldest looked up into the kitchen and said "What's a beater?"

I know it sounds dramatic, but it was as though life stood still for a minute. My thoughts of triumph turned into "OMG they don't know what beaters are?" to "Wait, have I ever used a hand mixer" to "Wow. I am nothing like the good moms. My kids don't even know how to lick the beaters." 

So I brought them both into the kitchen, handed them each a beater (which, in my world as one of three children with 2 beaters was a privilege you fought for.) And my oldest half touched her tongue to it before discarding it in the sink because she didn't understand. Now don't panic, this was homemade whipped cream, so of course I rescued it and taught her how to try again.

What I learned in this experience was humbling.  It got me thinking... yes, this just a "beater" but what other things have I neglected to do with them that are some of my favorite childhood memories... or just things I had always hoped I would do with my own children.  For this week, we started slow...

• We baked muffins for breakfast on Sunday. Jiffy muffins, but they were muffins. 
• I went to school and read with my oldest. 
• I picked the girls up at school and took them for ice cream. 
• I actually sat with each of them while they watched their favorite tv show. Now I know this sounds silly, but I remember sitting with my parents watching Full House, and I still turn it on and feel like I'm on my couch at home. Yet while working, I never took the time....their TV time was my work time. 

My list of things I hope to do is long.... but we got a solid start. It was humbling to realize how many things I need to learn or relearn about them. I know it's not going to be easy or fast, but it's going to be worth it. What are some things you think I should add?

Today is a new day.

Omg. I did it. I quit my job. Never in my life have a quit a job before. I've let my time expire, I've called out and eventually not gone back, I've even escaped on maternity leave. But never have I written a resignation letter before. ... and it broke my heart. As crazy as the last two years have been, walking away from my job was a challenge. Because as I always say, my job was hard work, but it was mostly heart work. I believe so much in what our company is doing, and I truly want the mission to succeed and reach every child every day.

So why quit? Because for the first time in my life,. It's time now to make time for myself, and the 4 M's....

• It's time to reconnect with my almost ten year old (double digits... ahhhh!) as she enters this awkward preteen phase, and from what I'm noticing, needs her Mommy even more now than she did as an independent toddler. 
• It's time to spend time with my five year old, who so desperately wants to learn to read and working with her is more important than stressing over emails, calendars, and babysitting schedules. (And if I have to have one more hysterical crying child FaceTime call, it was going to push me over the edge.
• It's time to connect with my husband..... as my husband... not just the person who takes care of the girls while I'm away. As hard as it is to admit, there have been weeks that went by recently where our only conversations revolve around who did what or needs to do what when with the girls, but I haven't even asked him about his day. That needs to change.
• And equally as important, I need to take care of myself. Something I have not been doing at all.  I've been making everyone else in the world a priority, it wasn't until I was working one day, and my resting heart rate was double what it should be while I was in a ball of sweat in the hallway wondering how I was going to make it through the afternoon that I decided to admit I needed help. That something was just not right. The more I investigated and the more Drs I went to, the more clear it became that my lifestyle and my health were not a match. 

So I had to make the toughest decision of my life. And now here I am, sitting on my family room floor, making plans and wish lists of all the things I want to do. Starting with heading outside for a walk on this sunny morning, so I'll catch you all later..... Wish me luck!